Survive 2010
If I’m not here, accomplishing anything before next year will be a moot point.

Find A Valid Reason To Go On Living
I need a good, solid reason. What does my being here mean for this world? Right now, absolutely nothing. I am expendable.

Convince Myself That Life Is Precious Enough To Hang On To
If I have to continue to drag myself out from under mountains of suffocating crap for the rest of my life, what is the one thing that would make that kind of existence worthwhile? I have been crawling on my hands and knees towards a mirage my entire life…will an oasis ever appear, or am I doomed to chase a heartbreaking illusion for the rest of my days?

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Nasty cat !

I…can…not…STAND those things! It's not the pictures of the cats that bother me mind you, those are usually pretty cute. The captions are some of the stupidest things I have ever read. The fact that they are misspelled and/or used out of context make them even worse. If they would put the pictures up with some good, solid captions that are laugh out loud funny or make sense in some way it would be different. It's like the lazy person's attempt at captioning; they couldn't come up with anything better so they left it at that. Not to mention, a lot of them have viruses attached. I accidentally clicked on one that I had looked up for this prompt, (because I didn't know what a lolcat was) and my computer flagged it as having a virus and promptly blocked it. There are lots of other, much funnier and/or cuter things out there in cyberspace than these things. Lolcats totally annoy me; the attitude of the cat in the picture above pretty much sums it up for me. That, is EXACTLY how I feel about them, and EXACTLY how I react when I see yet another one.

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This post has nothing to do with today's prompt. My mother has COPD; the nursing home just called and said they were sending her to the hospital because they think she has pneumonia. That is the worst case scenario for someone who has her disease. They said she was very sick and very weak. Those of you that care about me even a little, please say a prayer for us, or, if you're not at all religious, please wish us well. I don't care how you do it, just do it, please. I have nobody with me right now, I can't get a hold of one living soul and I am scared out of my wits. This is the closest I can come at the moment to reaching out to anybody. Please, for pity's sake, reach back. I can't go through this alone…again.

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Losing this house. I know I'm fighting a losing battle, but I've got to fight. My mom worked hard for everything she has. Nobody should have to lose their homes when they suffer a catastrophic illness. She's in a nursing home by necessity, not by choice. She wants to be at home, and she doesn't think anybody has the right to take that home and everything she owns away from her. Our house has nearly forty years of possessions inside that need to be sorted through. I have about six months to try to get through all of it by myself before the property taxes are due. Ain't happening. I have one garbage can and a very strict town that doesn't allow you to put stuff by the curb until the night before your trash pickup. If I walk away from this house as is, we will lose everything. I have been to every organization, charity, church group, township office, friends, family…no one can or will help us. My family is willing, but they live too far away and can't get the time off of work to come up and help us. My friends are the same way…some of them have more than one job and they just don't have the time. There's a lot of work to be done, and one sick person stretched beyond her limits trying to do it all. I don't eat well, I don't sleep. I'm going to be homeless and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It's the most terrifying feeling in the world. Change is good my a**.

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"Wherever you go, there you are." This, as you can see, is a very true statement. No matter where you go in life, there you will be. It makes me laugh every time I hear it. When you come to the fork in the road, freak people out by choosing the spoon. Who says you have to follow the road? Why not go straight ahead? You might run into a tree or walk over a cliff, but at least you took a chance and did something different. 😉

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A friend knows the real you and loves you anyway. You can always count on a friend for moral support, honest opinions, reality checks, and encouragement. Friends don't bail on you when the going gets tough, they stand beside you and help you weather the storm. Friends let you cry when you're sad, vent when you're angry, act the fool when you just want to be silly and never let your circumstances, illnesses, or lapses in judgment define you as a person.They never give up on you, even when everybody else has. A friend never abandons you or leaves you to fend for yourself, no matter what. They focus on the good in you, the positive things, the potential, the person that they know is inside of you and filter out everything else that gets in the way of the person you really are. A friend nurtures your hopes and dreams, shares in your happiness as well as your sorrow and genuinely cares about your well-being in every possible circumstance. A friend sees you with their heart. They see what nobody else will. They make you feel worth knowing.

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My mom's laugh. The sound of her voice when she's really enjoying herself and not in any pain. She has a wicked sense of humor, and it's absolutely delightful when she gets on a roll with it. As sick as she is, she still manages to joke and laugh about things. It comforts me to hear it. It gives me the strength to endure the days she makes my least favorite sounds; the days she suffers and fights back her tears…for my sake… 😥

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One meal the rest of my life? It's hard to eat healthy on $23 a month; for most people, they would probably just go the mac 'n cheese route. Since I have to watch my sodium like a hawk, I can't just go the the dollar store and buy twenty-three one-dollar items and call it a day. If I had to choose one thing, and had the money to do it, it would be pizza. There are tons of different kinds of pizza, including breakfast and dessert varieties. At least I would be able to vary my diet more than I do now. Extra-thin and crispy crust, and as healthy as I could make it and still taste good. That's the way that I would go. I know they want me to name one specific food, like spaghetti, for example. But I can't narrow my mind to that extent. There are tons of different ways to serve spaghetti, with different sauces and such. Meatloaf? You don't have to just use ground beef and/or pork anymore, and there's so many things you can add to it. I used to really enjoy cooking when there were people around to cook for, but since my mom got sick, I've lost my enthusiasm for just about everything. I'm about to lose everything in my life; my mom, our home of nearly forty years along with our lifetime of possessions…nothing tastes good anymore…I've lost forty pounds. Did I need to lose it? Yes, but I wouldn't recommend this diet to anyone. 😥

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One day at a time. That's it. I can only handle one day at a time. Others that I like? Today is the first day of the rest of your life. If only that were true. Live today like it was your last. It already feels like my last. My dad always used to tell me whenever I'd cry, "Don't feel sh** on." His motto? "If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem." He had a little wooden sign hanging in the kitchen, and he would point it out to me, my mom and my brother every day. He made it clear that we were part of his problem. I had to take it one day at a time then, and I continue to do it now. Baby steps. Dragging my feet. Beaten, bloody and bruised. Limping my way through life one day at a time with cruel words echoing through my head and following me everywhere I go; swirling around and around me like some loop recording from hell that will never shut off as long as I live. Tomorrow will be better, I lie to myself, but it keeps me putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

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My mom just went into the hospital yesterday for something I have been nagging her nurses about for two weeks, only to find that her doctor had not approved the orders they requested on my behalf. The Credit Union that says they want to work with their customers in order to prevent foreclosure won't work with me to arrange a payment I can afford. They want to take one third of my check every month, irregardless of the other bills I have to pay. I'm watching my mother get sicker and sicker, I have an order of protection against the only brother I've got, and I am in real danger of losing my mother's home and having no place to live. What do people say to me? 1) Everything happens for a reason 2) Everything's going to be okay 3) Your mom's going to be just fine 4)Don't cry, it doesn't solve anything. You've got to be freakin' kidding me. I have major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder and anxiety disorder. The medication I took for eight years affected my memory and made me even more emotionally compromised than I was before. I can't find anyone to help my mom and me in any way, shape or form. Don't cry? If I didn't cry, I would smash everything I could get my hands on.

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