Not celebrating at all. It's not by choice, trust me. So many holidays were ruined by my family's over consumption of alcohol that it sucked all of the joy out of them for me. What I miss is being a part of the celebration. The anticipation of the holidays and all of the things that go along with them. I used to love sitting in the dark with nothing on but the Christmas tree, listening to holiday music. I can't remember the last time I've had a tree up at all. The last Christmas I had with my dad before he left my mom, he forbid us to put up any decorations. He said if we did, he'd tear them down. Then he left Christmas morning and was gone all day. While everyone else was celebrating with their families, our house was silent. No dinner, no nothing. It was like we were all dead. There are a lot of people who can't stand holidays for one reason or another, but I was raised to celebrate them joyfully and completely. Then all I could do was watch while our family traditions were drowned in a sea of bitterness and addiction. I have been invited to spend Thanksgiving with a friend I haven't seen in about eight years. I wanted to spend it with my mom at the nursing home, but she won't hear of it. My mom wants me to go. It will be the first time we have spent a holiday apart, and I'm having a very difficult time with it. By this time in my life, I was hoping to be married with grown children of my own. I was hoping to have plenty of family to spend the holidays with; people that I matter to that would welcome me with open arms. Once my mom is gone, the holidays are just going to remind me that I will be growing old all alone. I will miss being a part of a family.

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