Sadness 90/365

Being taken care of. Knowing that there was somebody bigger and stronger than me that would make it all better. Never having to worry about the things that I have to worry about now. You have to understand though, that I was too busy trying to survive my childhood to enjoy it much; too busy being an adult in ways that I never should have had to. I spent a lot of time hiding in my room in the dark, my stereo cranked up, trying to drown out the yelling until I heard the begging turn to screams of fear and pain. Then I would fly down the hall and face whatever was happening; a gun to my mother's head, a knife, the shotgun that was trained on my brother, the house being trashed, and I would throw myself right in front of it all and just wait to die. That was my life everyday. It's kind of hard to pull much of a childhood out of that. The only way I got to spend much time with my dad was if I went from bar to bar with him, never realizing just how dangerous that particular situation really was. I thought everybody's dad did that; drink and drive. He would go up and down the line, looking for buddies of his that he wanted to hang out with. He'd stop and have a couple of drinks, and if nobody came in that he wanted to talk to we'd go to the next one. I was so excited that he wanted to spend time with me without yelling and screaming that I took what I could get. I'd tell him I loved him and he'd say, 'Yeah right'. I'd give him cards and presents for his birthday or Father's Day, and he'd set them unopened next to his recliner without a word. I actually found two cards from nearly twenty-five years ago that he had never opened. No wonder I have a problem with rejection. How do I make up for it as an adult? I'm just a big kid. I never learned how to be independent. I'm terrified of being alone. The one person I have left that loves me unconditionally is leaving me. There's a big scary world out there and I'm going to be left in it all by myself. To have no future is a terrifying thing. When I was a child, there were so many dreams to dream. There are so many nightmares now.

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