Holy Cross, Kirkby Green, Lincolnshire

I would say spiritual at best. I was raised Catholic, but have been to many different churches throughout my lifetime and found them to be more like high schools than houses of worship. The cliques that form, the gossip, the backstabbing; it's unbelievable how ugly it can get. I have been treated better by Atheists than by most of the Christians I have come into contact with. When your life is filled with the magnitude of horrors that I've had to endure, you find that your once steadfast belief in god has almost completely disappeared. I still believe that there is one, but that god doesn't care one whit about me or my family and that we're something to amuse, not protect. Everyone always says that god doesn't make mistakes. When your whole purpose in life has been to watch the people that you love the most suffer so much, right down to where we're about to lose our home and everything we own; I feel like the biggest mistake of all. After all, how could a loving god allow such things to happen? What happened to all-powerful, compassionate, and trustworthy? I put my faith in god, and I was beaten, molested, raped, and subjected to the destruction of my entire family by alcoholism, drug abuse and domestic violence. I'm watching my mother die a slow death in a nursing home that she hates because I can't take care of her by myself anymore. Once we lose her house and she knows she can never come home again, the hope that is keeping her going will be crushed and she will give up. I am having a hard enough time trying to help her now, but once I am on the streets, I really won't be able to help her. As furious as I am with god, there is this little tiny kernel of faith that just won't die. Ironic, isn't it, since I feel like I'm already dead.

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